Suite Bergamasque: Clair de Lune

Opens with a bright, white moon that is high in the sky, completely black and clear dotted with a few twinkling stars. It is a cold winter night in a bustling city now silent and still with night. The city is softly lit and has the architecture charateristic of that of the 1930s, with store front windows, brick, stone, and a few sky scrapers.

30 sec - The scene follows to where the moon is shining directly on a park surrounded by iron wrought fencing up from the street on a slight hill. In a corner of the park, there is a small pond that is frozen over and at the head of the pond is a concrete statue of an ice skater. The statue depicts a young man with a short beard. He is wearing a wool blazer coat, striped scarf, a modest knit stocking cap and gloves. His skates mimic worn, old fashioned leather. The moon is shining directly upon him.

44 sec- the skater statue begins to come to life, seeming to be softened by a glow radiating from within. Color has been given to his clothing, softness to his skin. He blinks his eyes.

50 sec – the skater moves from his pose and brings his hands down to examine them. He touches his face.

57 sec - He glances back up at the moon.

1:00 - then looks around the park, mystified and exhales. (his breath is visible in the cold)

1:16 - he steps foot on the pond and begins to glide a bit, wobbling slightly at first.

1:41 - the skater adjusts to his new mobility and begins to skate slowly around the pond.

1:57 - he begins to skate a bit more confidently now.

2:12 - he is skating quite quickly around the pond now, smiling and looking around, excitedly.

2:17 - he pauses and looks toward the full moon.

2:28 - the moon seems to shine slightly forward from the pond and as he changes his glance he sees a path (of ice) start to appear

2:30 - he starts to skate down the path which continues to unfold before him, snaking through the park. It is a clean even path with gentle curves and spills itself forward as if it were flowing water. He follows the path on a curvy path throughout the park.

3:02 - the skater follows the path to the entrance of the park where the path unfolds down the hill and out of the park. The streets are cobbled and bathed with a dim foggy light from a few scattered old fashioned street lamps. There are silhouettes of stone and brick buildings with awnings, but they remain lightly veiled in the mist. He skates slowly, in awe.

3:06 - He continues on the path further down the street and stares, astounded, at the scenery around him.

3:11 - the skater begins to revel in the enchantment of the city and begins to skate a bit faster. He feels the full effect of his new found freedom and begins to skate all over the street, spinning and twirling. The path seems to anticipate his movements and dances slightly ahead of him.

The street lights gradually become farther apart and less in number. The silhouettes of buildings get smaller.

3:55 - the street comes to stop and bends around the corner. The path, however, seems to pause (going straight ahead instead of following the bend) and suggest a slightly more clouded entrance to a forest. The skater hesitates, exhaling heavily from his exhilaration. His breath billows out directly in front of him in the cold, windless night.

4:06 – the skater begins to make his way through the thick fog to the entrance of the forest.

4:11 – he comes through the fog to a thick forest illuminated entirely by the moon with tall. The cleared, straight pathway through the middle is lined with densely with full evergreens. He pauses at the sight of the
exquisite beauty.

4:20 – he slowly and peacefully skates forward. The path is laid out fully now stretching through the trees and beyond the forest.

4:40 – it begins to snow. The skater glances over and sees a dear and her faun silently feeding.

5:30 – he begins to exit the forest and finds he is again in the park.

5:45 – he skates through the park and passes the statue in the fountain. He drifts on.

5:55 – he comes upon his pond and gazes at it smiling. He glances one more time down at the city and towards the path that is now gone.

6:00 – as if disappearing into thin air, he gently fades and again takes the form of his statue, standing over the icy pond.

6:12 – the statue smiles and is once again set in stone.

Recording on Complete Music for Solo Piano (Gordon Fergus-Thompson)

Musical Philosophies cont:

I think electronic music is misunderstood. Not that I think people should listen to it more (you like what you like) but I think people would think it less dorky or assign it strictly to clubs and parties if they heard the versatility that I do in it. Electronic music is pure feeling and emotion. There is no analyzing required, no lyrics to interpret. Electronic artists are very good with vibes - they take a scene and layer its elements into sounds. I also like it because lyrics are rarely the main element (whereas with pop music it's almost always the focus and the musical line is kind of a filler (not always but...many times) or at least the lyrics are the predominant expression of the songs meaning) If there are lyrics it seems to be just for the sound of the voice/words and how they add to the layering (like a lot of electronic uses vocal loops) I started thinking about all of this while listening to a particular lounge artist, Bonobo, (the song Nightlife) and he actually has original lyrics with a traditional vocal line...however, the words seem to really just add the human element and pull together the story line to this night scene.

Musical philosophies:

I think that Baroque and Classical are both such difficult genres to really perfect because whereas most music today is quite outwardly emotional (being that their energy is quite easily and readily determinable and obvious), the emotion of baroque and classical are hidden, subdued - more of undercurrents really. And I think that's a difficult expression to master. As the people of that time controlled and suppressed their emotions (and channeled them to praise of god or love of god, etc) I think this is expressed in their music. While music in our generation is often purely an expression of emotion or a type of outlet (not always, of course, but with many more popular genres.)

There are excellent technical players who can grasp the sometimes complex notes, the crispness, the dynamics and the chord technique required to play baroque and classical. But these are the kinds of players put on 'classical music classics for lovers' cds. It's got the science, but lacks the artistry. Which is why I think people often turn their nose up to classical or baroque claiming it as snooty and dry (because if the world revolved around science such as the surface technique of this music does...it would be just that)

Thus, I have earned a new respect and fascination for classical and baroque and those who have mastered it.

It's strange - it seems as a musician, you begin to truly grasp the artistry of genres in an almost backwards way. Some modern (not all but for example : suzuki) is easier to grasp, then romantic (not for all but there is slightly more freedom here), and then (well I haven't decided the order yet but) classical and baroque.

Philosophies cont:

Music makes me further believe in the concept of the 'god' entity being an energy, rather than an identifiable being. Everything vibrates an energy - everything illuminates a different spectrum. A person can start out identifying/projecting a single type or multiple types of energies - but I believe that those who can identify with, appreciate, absorb, and project all types are the true 'gods'/masters of themselves. Much like a rainbow. (For example, not just true openmindedness, but open heartedness are the traits of the enlightened person - like the Dalai Lama) It is when we realize the ability in ourselves to develop and appreciate all different sorts of energies (and the mediums through which they represent themselves) that we become enlightened. I'm not sure if I believe that we, ourselves, are god-entities or if energies are the very things that govern us and our world (thus being the gods themselves, so to speak.) I don't think this view of spiritualism is in conflict with science - as many scientists have admitted, science is always evolving and expanding it's boundaries. Do I think science will one day embrace creationism and a one-sided fairy tale? No. But I believe the gap between established science and spiritualism is spiritualism is closing. And I think something akin to this philosophy is...well...the truth. I've never had this bold a statement before regarding my own spirituality.

Every time I go to yoga class it's as if the world has been renewed and all will fall into place as it should. (A sign perhaps?)

I had a heart to heart with two of my cousins today and I finally feel like maybe I am getting to know my family and they are getting to know me - through facebook, sadly enough. Now I wish I were home more than ever. Maybe I am also starting to know myself?

I had to wait for about two hours longer than I was supposed to to be picked up tonight.
Just as I was about to have a fit I saw a dragonfly and a humming bird. One right after the other. (Dragonflies showed up in March when my father died. And every since then when a significant event has occurred in their family where they thought he might be present. And hummingbirds have always shown up when I'm required to have perseverance, patience, hard work, or dedication. I've claimed them as my animal.)

I want to wake up to a chill and frosty morning silent with stillness. And watch steam rise off the water of the river and snake toward almost naked and knarled black branches. I want to put on my wool coat and scarf and gloves and boots. I want to feel my face invigorated and enlivened by the cold. I feel most beautiful on a crisp fall morning. I want to hold my thermos of coffee (or hot cider. Or tea or hot chocolate) close to my chest for warmth and comfort and drink in the aesthetic perfection of the moment before even taking a sip. I want to smell the lingering smoke of bonfires, the honey, earthy smell of fallen leaves. I want watch a freezing rainy fall day from my window, the water softly illuminating the reds, yellows, oranges, browns, blacks, and spots of green into one watery canvas. Fall is a new beginning and a going back. Back to old blankets and sheets worn to coziness with overuse. Back to favourite comfort foods like squash, soups, casseroles, and pies. Back to the apple orchard for apples and cider and pumpkins. Family and friends and other people suddenly feel closer and time spent together is more rewarding somehow.

I’m not a fan of nature writing, generally. But I think I have a very bad case of homesickness. Everyday of the so-called fall here I miss everyone more. Who knew I was a truly a midwestern girl at heart? ;) I’ve never liked admitting how attached I am to all of you…(but my fear keeps me from acting upon my feelings of all sorts. )

Pub quiz tonight. Going with my new friend from work and possibly another one, if she’ll come. I hate trivia and bars so…this should be fun! :) (I’m honestly just thankful to have friends.)

I think Iowa is a big dog state. I think that is the state pet. I think California is a little dog state. (but perhaps that’s just because that’s all I see here.) I much prefer big dogs:(

I've been running every night for about a week. It serves me well enough to de-stress I suppose. But I'm always left wanting at the end. I think running at night simulates a mini adventure with a soundtrack for me. Maybe blocking out the world and listening to my ipod all the time is the key? Haha yay emo.

Another thing I miss: Feeling sexy. I've realized that, yes, a big part of it is exercising and feeling like I'm improving myself. But another large chunk of that is flirting, teasing, and sex itself. I feel completely drab and unsexy right now, and I think it's more because of the latter. (I am starting to get in shape though! Thank god!)

I think I don't have anything more to write and might just start rambling. You may stop reading now if you wish.

I wish men still gave women flowers. For the first time, I'd actually like some.

It would be so much fun to go on a date again! I mean, even if it's a fake one. Just to get semi fancy and be awkward and flirty.

I can see where this is going. Let's just write a list of things I'd like to do:
1. get flowers
2. go on a semi fancy first date even if it's a mock-date
3. smoke pot (oh. god. I want to smoke pot.)
4. get into a fight and then have sex
5. go for a walk in the rain - or watch the rain from the window - I really just want rain:(
6. someone to watch Disney movies with me. And maybe experiment with baking.
7. chicago
8. get leashes for my cats (of course I'm serious. Can't you see me doing this?)
9. get coffee at the java house
10. watch food network
11. mess up somebody's hair (in a sexy kind of way)
12. cook breakfast and have a lazy morning with pajamas
13. bake muffins
14. help somebody. Just - do chores or other things to help somebody out.

How do you eat a pomegranate? It's all I have for lunch so..I'd appreciate some feedback if anyone has any.

I despise the word hot as used to describe a person. I mean their looks. Unless it's a joke. Other than that it just makes me cringe. Sexy is such a better word!

...I have another 30 minutes to waste...(obviously, since I'm really scraping the barrel)

Pinot Noir is decidedly my favourite of red wines.

I miss passion. I miss living. My life no longer seems to have any artistry - but then again, perhaps that is something I have to sculpt. Perhaps I just have to adapt my point of view and realize the beauty in every situation? - but then again, beauty is a personal concept that cannot be forced to change. If it ever does, it must happen on its own. (I'm not good at letting things happen on their own.)

I go into my mind so often these days I'm not sure which is my reality. I know which existence I prefer though.

I'm not so solid on my decision anymore. How am I to know this was, in fact, something that needed to happen? That I am supposed to be here? I'm running, but I can't see the path at my feet.

I want a tattoo. I just realized I think they're sexy. (Damn, I didn't want to think that.)

I was so happy on July 4th. I wish every day of my life could be that. I never had any idea I would miss a college I never wanted to be at in the first place. Looking back though, every day I spent in that city I was in love. (Was it the city? Or was it you? Or was it just me.)

What is it that really makes for the best pairing when it comes to people? I'm starting to think maybe it really is the little things. At the end of the day, you want to come home to someone you can relax with and someone who helps you unwind. Going to your separate corners and relaxing in your own way...well...what's the point of not being alone then? Doesn't that make the other person really more of an accessory? Like a can opener. You don't always use a can opener - just when you need it. When it comes it handy. The rest of the time it sits in the drawer and hangs out with the weird midget ladle and bamboo skewers you never use. I don't want to be a can opener. (But I think I am)

I'm in desperate need of a good movie. Or some good music. Or a good book. Or just even a great conversation. Maybe really what I need is someone to share/appreciate one of those with. Maybe there's still someone like me who exists? It's hard to keep you all alive in my head:(

I wish all animals were like the animals in Snow White. And would come to help me clean when I sang to them. And would have their own musical motifs whenever they did something snazzy.

I love the people who are nice to the new weird girl at work. Those people are saints to me. Regardless of anything else they may do. They are already people I will be there for if they need me. It's small things like that that get me by.

My cat is watching Snow White. Attentively. It's adorable. She actually like took my spot and is sitting up...watching. Maybe she wants to eat the dwarves. (livejournal doesn't seem to know the plural of dwarf)

I HAVE NO LIFE BUTTT - Okay so...there are way too many popsicles in Kingdom Hearts 2? I mean...what the fuck is up with this ice cream theme. You know there are too many popsicles when the bad guys are eating popsicles....it just pisses me off. And they're not even fudgesicles...what's the point? - and so what's up with goofy turning into a turtle dog for every level that transforms you? Really? A tortoise on the Savanah?

I got a job.

I hate it when candles smell amazing in the store so you're like 'omg I want my home to smell like this!' so you take it home and you can only smell it if you stick your nose like in the flame. I might as get a stick from outside, stick in a cup, and burn that since the only effect I am getting from candles is the "yay fire" factor.

I'm growing though!!!:D ... :( wider.

Things I miss from Des Moines:
Mars
Ritual Cafe
Big Tomato Pizza
my street:(
fall
empty highways
La mie
downtown
Hanwell
Gong Fu with Nathan
friends
the big letter guy downtown
the masonic temple/temple of performing arts
movies with mom
Ruby
rain
apple cider


Things I miss from Iowa City:
ped mall
the java house
rain (different from rain in des moines)
the river
winter
riding the buses around aimlessly, reading, ipoding
good indian food
the co-op
the hospital (actually)
the IMU
peopolez
prairie lights
the OLD breadmarket. Not the new faux-gateway-market breadmarket. (I think that's what it was called?)
the ped mall and brick streets
Revival


19. Chorizo - it's kind of like sausage...but way better. And even the kind made from soy is good.
20. Trader Joe's. There's seriously one off of every highway exit.

I want to revisit the book "A Small Place". I feel awful for forgetting who the author is. It's not the best book I've read. It's not my favourite. But I read the whole thing. I that says something when it comes to books. Her style of writing is very simple and the book itself is slightly depressing and bitter. But for some reason I absolutely love it.

Love = double chocolate whey protein powder, blackberries, cranberry juice, a splash of milk, plain yogurt, honey. blend. yum. happy.

More love = modified croque madame- Fried egg on top of two slices wheat bread. tomato sauce, white cheddar. sometimes 1 piece bacon. butter. grill. omnomnom.

Indication #2 my creativity is coming back: I'm downloading and discovering new music again. Some awesome. Some god awful. Either way, thank you, free downloads @ last.fm. (Great folk and acoustic, good classical, great jazz and lounge, good Indian, not so good indie unless you go british, not so good electronic, not so good rap, a few good blues - check it out)

There is a sort of psuedo-fall here. It's really chilly in the morning and at night but gets just as hot come 11:00. I really need a cozy sweatshirt and boxers:)

Oh. And my dad has a Facebook. lol.

16. Salads
17. I forgot to say boots...WITH DRESSES AND SKIRTS. (the person that's for should know. AND EVEN UGGS)
18. being really super friendly and happy (it's all the sun)

Licorice is always a happy surprise. Every time I taste it. I realize that I truly am a dying breed - the last of the licorice lovers:(

So. I'm totally 12 and all...but I love Kingdom Hearts. I'm actually getting kind of good at it. Go play it! Everyone! There's a new one coming out and I'm either going to pee my pants or scream obscenities and cry. *suspense!*

Which brings me to my next excitement of the day: I'm downloading a huge pack of all the Disney movies and it's almost done downloading today! I think how much of a fan I am of illegally downloading things is significant enough for me to be shunned by yoga itself. Or at least real yoga. I mean, it's pretty much a "choose your own adventure" kind of spiritual guidelines but I pretty sure anything illegal is a no-no.

I've been cooking a lot lately, but it's difficult to improve and expand your culinary knowledge on a tight budget. I'm getting better at chicken though. And I'm a beast with seasoning. I've pretty much mind-puked my own versions of simmers and sauces without really having much knowledge of what I'm doing or looking at a recipe. (Whenever I go by a recipe...I fail) I've gotten better at baking too. I made my best batch of cookies ever last week. Next up: cakes! Since I know have a sifter I feel like I can at least make a decent attempt.

I found my second favourite white wine - Blackstone Sauvignon Blanc. It's smooth, but also very lively.

(California people love wine)

(Don't ever buy 2 buck Chuck (Charles Shaw). It sucks)

In fact, here's a list of things California people love: (and things they have so I'm assuming they like it)
1. the ocean
2. the beach
3. the sun
4. yoga
5. tanning
5. saying they're eco-friendly but not establishing a reliable public transportation system or having convenient recycling centers everywhere
6. meshing massage therapists, chiropractics, and spas
7. actual Mexican drive through restaurants (like...not taco bell. Not even Chipotle. Think like an actual restaurant. Where they include chips and salsa for free)
8. Indie style. Like woah. Everybody wears skinny jeans. And looks good in them. Seriously, I'm like the only fat person here.
9. Boots
10. People standing out in front of stores on busy streets waving special deal signs that they spin in circles and try to do cool tricks with so you can't even read the sign making it pointless.
11. frozen yogurt
12. They all seem to think it's a positive thing that it never rains?
13. Oh and none of the stores carry apple cider. I'm not sure if they like that..it's just something that pisses me off.
14. plastic surgery. And advertising it like crazy. Like "BUY ONE BOOB JOB GET A NOSE JOB 1/2 OFF!" (fuck, I wish I weren't serious about that one)
15. wine (like I said)

I'll record more as I collect data.

So the thought-to-be-older-woman whom first attacked my eyes with her entire pink cowboy themed outfit turned out to be a girl who is around my age who frequents the community college on Tuesdays - to play monopoly (I have yet to see her play another board game) in the lunch room. I am here from 6 am to 5 pm. Every time I go in the lunch room she is playing monopoly. Sometimes with the same guy, sometimes with a girl. I have yet to figure out this illusive group of characters that occasional inhabit miracosta. (Or at least the cafeteria)

I think I'll use this as my journal now. My yoga journal is often turned in for assignments and I don't have access to it and I no longer have notebook space (and no extra money to buy a notebook). But I am going to resolve to not speak much of my circumstances, especially not financially. This will be purely for insights, realizations, random streams of thought, and observations.

I sat awake last night and thought of positive things about everyone (for whatever reason) I don't talk to anymore. Amazingly, it put me at peace with everything. There really only remains one situation that hangs in the air for me. But I think it will always be that way.

My life would be perfect if I had a compilation of these jobs: babysitting, dog walking, yoga teaching, violin teaching. Maybe the occasional barista-ing. (Of course that's just while I'm in college)

Taking this first class of the yoga certification program has helped me immensely. I feel at a point of acceptance with myself and where I am right now and peace with the fact that it will take me longer than most to reach my goal.

-WARNING: LONG RANT ABOUT IMPROBABLE FUTURE AHEAD. READ AT OWN RISK-

Possible future goal: I've decided I want to utilize all of my talents, if possible, but still have other occupants of my life other than work (originally I thought I would just have to have several jobs at one time to satisfy that). This is an if. Really, it's an ideal. IF I get my doctorate in psychology and a degree in music therapy. And IF I get an additional degree in either nutrition or kinesiology. And WHEN (that's the only when) I get certified to teach yoga:
*I'd like to start an after school program for kids with behavioral problems. Or just kids with problems focusing in class, sleeping at night. Really just any kid that wants to. And I'd like to incorporate some yoga poses, music therapy, (possibly aromatherapy), and psychological practices and strategies to help them focus, remain calm, remain balanced, etc. I'd probably have different programs every week for different needs. One for focusing, one for relaxation, one for overall wellness perhaps. And then once a week I'd also like to schedule appointments and meet with the kids and their parents individually to discuss habits to establish at home and give them more personalized advice. Involving certain yoga poses or exercises, certain nutrition advice. The goal is to give kids an alternative option than medication. Some of the medications psychiatrists prescribe are so harsh and I just think so many children are misdiagnosed. I think maybe this could really help some kids? I'm excited! - The coolest thing is that a woman in my class leads an organization of yoga teachers that go around to public schools and teach yoga nonprofit to kids with a record of behavioral problems. It sounds like a challenge, but she said I'm welcome to join the team when I finish my certification.
*I'd also like to teach violin on the side. (Yes, I'll be busy)
*If none of that works, I'd like to start a basically all around alternative health center. I would hire a massage therapist, an accupuncturist, a chiropractor, music therapist, nutritionist, physical therapist/kineseology expert, and maybe psychologists who specialize in just counseling without deferment to a psychiatrist for medication. Other possible "family members" : Auyervedic doctors, homeopathy..people, yoga teachers.

-END HAZARDOUS READING ZONE. RISK CLEARED. READ AT LEISURE-

The more I'm discovering about myself, the more I'm feeling that this isn't the right environment for me. I'm at peace with the fact that I'm here...and I'm content and happy and think this is what I should be doing. But there are missing pieces. I have yet to exactly pinpoint these but I feel in no rush.

So there's a girl here. From my Spanish class at Iowa. I want to say HI! but I'm loser. So I won't.

Yet. I'll just be creepy and wait until we've made accidental eye contact like 50 times and then say hi.

I created my first new outfit since my dry spell (from creativity). Dark wash skinny jeans. olive skinny strap tank, cream lace slip (over tank, tucked into jeans), navy blue knit beret, stud pearl earrings, pocket watch long chain necklace, gray knit sweater with long sleeves. I plan to wear this when I dye my hair brown (okay possibly red). Shoes? I don't have any:(

Love and I do not get along. I've never seemed to be a person with whom love is compatible. Although I do enjoy love...(For me, it is artistry rollercoaster feeling flying passion allconsuming mind spinning.) It takes me over. And rn doing that, it pushes everything else out. Everything I truly am and want to be. Romantic love will never be able to be a part of my life if I am to live the life I must lead. People are not comfortable with me being okay with this. People don't like that I am liberated by the absence of love. Yet everytime I feel the threat of "alone" my heart leaps in secret rejoice. My soul sets fire with the temptation of new and lone adventures. My tortured mind releases its tension in relief. And I mourn only that others are mourning. I hurt because others hurt. It has been so long since I have had a true feeling that is all my own. So long since anything has been entirely me. I have allowed myself to become a compilation of lovers. Of friends. Of poisons. I have become both toxic and a toxin. I have become a strain of aids infecting only myself. I want to say I can postpone this and bury myself in this heap of unfeeling, clay body molded of stagnation and numbness but no more can I lay pretending to feel. This grandious masquerade I have fashioned must end now. I can no longer play my many roles. I succumb to exhaustion and the call of freedom. I will shed my clothes and dive to the freezing depths, stripped, to die and renew again. It is now time for my soliloquy. I will never return to this opera.

I used to deal with obstacles by running away. Then it came to pushing people away and being alone. Now, I am at the end. Unfortunately, I have nothing to display. My life never came to fruition. This epilogue will not be an epic masterpiece at all. In fact, it will be bland and brutal as my mind, and so my life, has become. Sometimes those who have made a complete mess of their lives and have no alternative path any longer resort to having children. Perhaps their offspring will corret their mistakes. But I have no wisdom to pass on that isn't already avaliable elsewhere. I have no gifts to give. And I still have enough respect for humankind to refrain from passing on my bad traits and polluting another generation with them. It is clear now that my birth parents amounted to nothing great either. Therefore, I can clearly see this should end with me. It will only get worse as genetics progresses. I take a similar attitude to my family. It is also evident that I am a weak link. I will bring nothing but shame. The family has a younger generation now. Hopefully, they will now feel that all their efforts have not gone to waste as they did with me. (paragraph) All of the people in my life must surely be saints. Just for having dealt with me. It amazes me still how some could actually muster up enough goodness within themselves to love me.

I expected to be writing several somewhat depressing and sorrowful posts on here prior to this one, but let's just say that while before I was leaping and bounding across the meadow to ambivalence, I was recently just catapulted across it to an island of happiness. And there, I have chosen to remain. There is no reason for me to dwell on or revisit the past ever again - for it pales in comparison to all the future can hold. I do not blame anyone but myself, for I made the final choices and was the driving force behind this crashed car. And while the thorns of memory sting still and provide a haunting pain, my system is beginning now to reject them. There is nothing I can do but learn. My apologies have not been accepted and no explanation has been given to me. And now, as before, I highly doubt a valid one will ever be presented. My epiphany and actions were not spurred on by vengeance. Perhaps I could even go as far to say I am benevolent toward this - because despite my best interest, I will always care. But I've realized that I'm ready for something amazing and I'm not going to let myself throw it away this time. Anyway, I plan to be writing on here more often. I might post something later that will make no sense after this..but I think I had a good idea while writing it and would kind of like to revise it a little and see if it goes anywhere.

I had an epiphany of sorts. Life is good. (That's not the epiphany. Life is just good because of the epiphany. Or at least significantly better.)

My mother told me yesterday that I didn't know how to love. And later related it to the fact that I don't know how to form relationships with people either. But I think these are actually two seperate issues. People make me uncomfortable. I don't dislike them, I don't misunderstand them, I just don't know how to be around them. In fact, in a sense, I love all of them. I do believe that I can see the good in all people and appreciate and smile at this good. But I can do nothing more than that. I was born an observer. I merely watch and interpret and analyze. I don't know how to express it and I don't know how to utilize it. This isn't really a phase. My mom told me I've been like this since I was a little girl and I can clearly remember many examples where she was proven right. I think anyone who believes contrary to this theory about me witnessed an extensive layer of mask - behavoir I've adopted to help make people a little bit more comfortable to be around me (because I'm not clueless to the fact that I'm the weird creepy kid who doesn't talk) Perhaps things could have gone differently for me had I not succumbed to my greatest fear - an average life. Self expression is also never something I've been comfortable with. I've learned that people expect it and embrace it to a degree, and it is actually one of the necessities for making people comfortable/making friends. But I feel like I never really learned how to express myself. I expressed other people. People I met, friends I made. I feel that I adopted their mannerisms and interests and now am merely a compilation of those. (paragraph) I wish I could condemn my nature human instincts to want to be with other people. My animal core craves to interact and socialize and cuddle, etc etc but my brain just does not have the capacity to truly carry out such tasks in a comfortable manner. There is too much to think about. It is too stressful to have to worry about social interaction...I don't understand why it is a comfort for many people. Perhaps if I were beautiful, intelligent, charming, funny, creative, original, engaging, and worldly...my attitude would be different but I have absolutely nothing to contribute. I don't really even have a personality. (Going back to the fact that I am merely a mimic) (paragraph) Maybe I never even loved the violin. I merely loved the escape, the sheild it provided from human association. Also I could appear above average and actually just be standing behind the phrasing and teachings of another violinist I had heard. A phenomenal instrument helped as well. But truly, there was nothing phenomenal about me all along. Sure as a child I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to be smart, artistic, and succesful. And none of that happened. I tried. But failed. And perhaps this is the reason I do not accept love. I give love, but do not accept it in return. And it is too late for me to learn how.

Ah, the smell of capitalism at Christmas time. Have you noticed that malls smell different when they decorate for the holidays? I fear my addiction to shopping will not withstand the intoxicating "merchandise pheremones" they pump through the vents. Then again, one of the things I am most excited for is to actually be able to people awesome presents. I already have a ton of really cool ideas too. I really have absolutely nothing else to write. I really just wanted to express that single thought. How anticlimactic:(

I always have a desire to get to know people when it's too late. Granted, I was very young when I saw my grandma on a regular enough basis to be able to really take an active interest in her seemingly bland and old fashioned lifestyle. I hadn't yet learned about any of the exciting things that had happened during her lifetime and hadn't actually developed an interest in antiques yet either. However, I'm not sure if my grandmother would have had the patience to enlighten me on the glories of the past anyway. I was a child who definetly spoke my mind and asked all sorts of questions and that wasn't really in accordance with her traditional views. I am now getting better acquainted with who my grandma actually was (before she sat in a chair and watched jeapordy all day) through all of her belongings my parents are brining home from her house. I suppose I can't really make any true conclusions about who she was in comparison to everyone else in her day, but she seems to have many unique and interesting items. All of her belongings seem to suggest that she either wanted or had a pleasant and enriching life. Yet I always got the impression that she knew very little about art, culture, etc. She didn't even really ever discuss with me national events of her past. She has over 100 movies stills from various black and white films, of which I still have yet to select the ones I want to save and keep for my room. The rest I think will go to vintage stores. Apparently she has a huge collection of rather expensive purses too, which seems quite contrasting with the poor lifestyle she and her family led. She has tons of sunglasses, but never seemed to spend any time outside...or even leave her house. The only interesting collection she ever showed me was her bizarre, curiously large compilation of cereal boxes. (complete with cereal:/) She has a TON of old political pins. Most of them are reproductions from the 60s, but she does have authentic I LIKE IKE pins. She has a pair of ruby slippers with the advertising label displaying the wizard of oz. Old National Geogrpahics, scarves from the 70s. Bottles of Bourbon and Amaretto from before my dad was even born. She kept all my dad's old comic books. It's just such a puzzlement trying to connect this woman with her belongings. Her caretaker, my parents even are a little baffled by her collections. Although my questions about her will never be answered now, I still appreciate all the antiques suddenly flooding my house. It's sort of like a mini-adventure going through all of her things; a vacation to the past. I wanted to write all this down since I don't really have anyone in my everyday life right now that would be very interested in hearing about it. I need to meet some new people, but I'm fearing that my reclusive period had become semi-permanant this time around. However, after my episode last week, my parents have agreed to help me out and I'm already signed up to start taking violin lessons again and I'll start yoga classes next week. All of this has to yeild to my horrendous work schedule though. That's all I seem to have energy/time for these days. And I still suck at it:( Perhaps once I get my room completely organized and redone, things will settle down.

I am already starting to realize why I used to lust for college. Why I strictly pursued the arts, philosophy, love, freedom, and knowledge through means of books and casual communication. I thought I had gained enough in all those areas to be able to thrive on all of those resources alone and live happily ever after (or at least live with meaning). And in this scenario I fully accepted that I might have to have a seperate part-time job. I was counting on food service, spa technician...something unchallenging, yet interesting. Jobs that are menial, but liberating in the sense that at least you won't be working for "the man." Waking up begrudgingly everyday at 5 AM, cramming mediocre coffee down your throat, and collecting layers of flab sitting at a desk all day. Everyday. And since a lot of people tend to get stuck within a company because it pays well...Everyday for the rest of your life. Since when did money become so important to me? Since when would I sacrifice my bohemian ideals that I so longed to live by; a decent apartment in the city above a hole-in-the-wall indian restaurant, sitting on futon cushions and bean bag chairs, spending most of my meager pay check (until the next big playing gig presents itself) on music and books. And candles...(not sure if that's consistent with the whole bohemian theme but...I use it as more of a basis rather than a rule book) I don't know. I just wanted to be completely myself. And now I have discovered that even to have that sort of lifestyle...I need to be a corporate guinea pig for a while. Granted I am positive I will not stay in this environment and will try to make the most of it while it lasts. I hope it is not too late for me to "un-blow" this up for myself. My point is this: I couldn't stand being cooped up for 9 hours in the same, stuffy room with the same group of people 5 days a week in elementary school, learning next to nothing I've found applicable so far (No offense to public school, but I learned almost everything from my parents and my aunt tutoring and reading to me). And I cannot stand it now. Too bad I can't model. All the true bohemians seem to be gorgeous anyway. Maybe I should accept a normal life...accept that I'm not special. Perhaps I was once, but I cannot recover that at this point. Maybe I really am too far gone. Maybe I really have become normal. Or maybe I'm still crazy...but now it's in a bad way. I wish he were here. He has a way of making me feel better. I feel at home whenever I'm around him...like I'm going back to a comfort zone. He makes me smile. I hope it's salvagable. Partially because I know it is my fault if it isn't. My distraction and uncertainty single handedly ruined it the first time around. I can definetly be a fool. I just hope he doesn't let me go soon. It always seems to suddenly hit them that I'm not as miraculous as they thought I was. That in fact, I'm nothing special at all. Or maybe I just fall for all the lines that make me think they are enamoured with my personality and not my breasts. And if they are lines...I really have to hand it to the guys: they either have a hell of a lot of guilt so they stick around longer than they'd like or they're extremely smooth. I don't really care which it is. I'm not as bitter and distrusting of love as most people think. I just watch too many movies. In fact, I confess that it's all I used to think about. I guess I've built up a lot of fantasies over time on what love should be. So many certain moments, certain glances, certain words, certain scenarios. And none of them are real. All of my friends are saying this one isn't either. But this one isn't perfect. This one isn't a love/hate situation. This one is stable. And this one tries. And this one talks. And explains. And commits. And loves me. So why couldn't this one be real? Isn't that as close to a dream as we can really get? Sure we don't have much in common...but I don't need to have everything in common with every one of my friends. I've been wrong before, but I don't think I am this time. <3